Phuket: Where Pheople come to Phuck

Hey everybody,

Traveling to a city or country in a warm-weather climate where the average temperature exceeds 85 degrees will instantly fry the brain of any man from San Francisco.  It has nothing to do with the temperature per se, but with the results of that temperature:  sun dresses and mini-skirts.  You see, as males from San Francisco, we are not used to seeing these items of clothing except in magazines and on television.  They are spoken of in reverential terms, when your friends return from a vacation in Cabo San Lucas or a summertime business trip to New York.  Then you travel to a tropical country and there are skirts all around you and your mental defenses are overwhelmed.  You're only used to seeing sundresses once or twice a year and now you're seeing them every day and even at night!  It turns you into some sort of leering caricature for the first week or so, or at least it did Paul and me.  And believe me, it's not the ladies of San Francisco's fault... it's freakin freezing in the summer!  That probably helps explain why they're so chippy sometimes:  lack of wardrobe options.  The whole summer catalog is out of the question outside of maybe two weeks in September.  I feel for you, ladies.  I feel for me.  It's a tough situation for all of us.

On a positive note, you'll be happy to know there have been no lingering side effects from the Incident On Ko Samet That Shall Never Be Discussed and that everything has healed up quite nicely.  Paul and I returned to Bangkok for one last night out for the crew that was returning home, and Pop took us out for a night on the town culminating with a visit to The Big Apple.  Before I spend too much time describing what goes on at The Big Apple, I realize that it's probably going to sound worse than it is.  I'm going to give it a shot anyway because that's what I do and if you're going through the effort of actually reading what I write I figure you deserve it.  In an effort to protect the innocent, I shall change their names to Bop, Dandy and Maul.  Ok, back to The Big Apple.  First off, we were the only farang (foreigners) in the place.  You walk in and there are rows and rows of tables and stools with two catwalks and a pretty solid live band playing in the front of the room.  I don't know how to describe it other than to say it's an "arm candy" bar.  You call a guy over and agree to buy X bottles of whiskey, depending on the size of your group.  Then the guy goes away and comes back a few minutes later with a lineup of anywhere from 4-8 very attractive Thai women.  And yes, the first thing I thought of when they brought over this lineup is that scene from Enter The Dragon where they all get to pick a woman (and Jefferson picks four... I loved that scene).  And yes, having someone bring you a lineup of women is surreal and a bit weird, bordering on uncomfortable.  Anyway, at that point you pick one that you like (or you don't) and she hangs out with you the rest of the night, which means dancing with you, pouring you a lot of drinks, making small talk, etc, etc.  And that's it.  No sex, no kissing, no stripping, none of that stuff... just hanging out, dancing, maybe sidling up to each other, but that's it.  Pop... I mean Bop... called it "girlfriend mode."  They hang out with you as long as you want, usually until you leave, unless you picked a woman with a special outfit who's called a "coyote."  The coyotes have to get up on the catwalk and dance about once every half hour or so.  As I stated before, I will endeavor to protect the innocent so I will not mention who picked a girl and who flew solo, but it was all around a unique experience and we all slept in the next morning (except Paul who absolutely had to get up at 8 AM so he could go to the Chatuchak market to buy a bedspread or some shit).

Now I feel I have to have the obligatory conversation about sex tourism.  I've read a few books and several stories about the forced sex slavery that occurs in south-east Asia where Burmese women are tricked into coming to Thailand with the promise of work and then are forced into prostitution in brothels to "work off the debt" that was incurred by transporting them across the border.  I think we can all agree that is abhorrent.  I also know a few guys who come to Thailand for a week and all they do every day is get massages with happy endings.  I'm not on board with that either.  Plus you have to wonder how many of these guys have families back home and are taking a sex vacation from their wives.  And then there's the old white guys with the younger Thai women.  To be honest, I've sort of come to terms with that.  Maybe it's because I have some sort of sympathy for these desperate old guys, or maybe it's because I have no real ethical problem with prostitution as long as both sides are choosing it of their own free will, or maybe it's because it seems like a more fair transaction to me... the guy pays for companionship and sex, the woman gets taken out to vacation spots, restaurants, and hotels, probably gets some cash... I don't know the details but she gets something out of it and as far as I can tell she's free to go.  I do know that it's not limited to old guys... there are a lot of younger guys with Thai girlfriends.  It's also not limited to men.  I've seen quite a few ladies with Thai guys, though it's a very small percentage.  The thing is that in most of the cases when you see these couples sitting down to dinner or drinks there is absolutely no conversation happening.  It looks boring as hell.  I guess what I'm saying is that it's still weird but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to for some reason.

And then I came to Phuket.  Holy shit.  Everywhere you look there are girly bars filled with leathery, shirtless old men.  Occasionally, if the bar is equipped with a pole, you'll see one of the ladies going through vague dancing motions while staring vacuously into space.  You can't walk by one of these establishments without some woman yelling, "Hello handsome man" or "Hello sexy man" or even just shrieking "Yaaaah" to get your attention.  I mean, it's not that I'm not handsome or sexy (I can be, given the correct lighting and makeup) but I'm pretty sure I'm not the first guy they've yelled at.  I found a bungalow place near the Rawai Muay Thai training camp... I'm talking maybe 100 meters away... which required me to pass by 4 (four!) girly bars on the way to the gym.  It's some sort of girly bar gauntlet which may or may not be part of the training.  It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if you automatically get a Thai girl whenever you rent a motorbike.

Speaking of the training, let me just say that considering the amount of Tiger Balm I have been applying daily I would not be surprised if you can smell it across continents.  Everything hurts.  I haven't done shit in four months other than sit behind the wheel of a car and sample various microbrews (I am not looking good in those Muay Thai shorts), then I decide I'm going to train for two hours a day in 90 degree heat so that's what I get.  There are quite a few people training (from beginners to pro fighters) and there are many camps around the island.  There's a French former pro fighter at Rawai who brought three or four kids under 12 years old each of whom had a fight lined up (all of them won).  Honestly, though, the hardest part won't be the training but how long I can last in Phuket.  It's so damn touristy... even more than I remember.  Almost every square inch of available space along the beaches or on the main roads has been taken up by some sort of enterprise:  bar, restaurant, massage, minimart, laundry, motorbike rental, or some combination of all of those things.  It's low season now so I can't even imagine what it's going to be like come November.  I don't know how much I can take of these shirtless tattooed morons riding around on their motorbikes.  And yes, now that I'm writing this the irony does not escape me that I look just like these assholes.  Hm.  I may need to review some things.

I can't complain too much though.  I moved to a bungalow that's right on a quiet beach (Naiharn Beach) that is mercifully free of girly bars.  It's a little bit out of the way but I rented a motorbike so I can get around (yes... my transformation is complete... although I wear a shirt and a helmet).  I can hang out on my little stoop and read or surf the internet while listening to the ocean.  I know Lee and Rich and Cari are going to come visit, and honestly if I step up the training I think all I'll be doing at that point is eating and sleeping and having an occasional swim.  So that's not so bad.

On top of that I have Mui here as my go-to guy if I need anything.  The first couple of nights I was in Phuket I stayed at his place and got to experience the thrill of going to Super Cheap... the Thai version of Costco except they're actually deep-frying food inside the warehouse.  It smells fantastic.  Mui also had me try this incredibly spicy Thai anchovy paste that you eat with rice, or vegetables, or toast which is powerfully delicious but in large quantities can give you stomach cramps.  Trust me on that.  And Thai anchovies aren't for everybody.  Mui showed me how to make the paste (we had to cook outside) and when he took the anchovies out of the jar it smelled like that time Sam Woods threw a dead fish in the back of my Jeep Cherokee back in college and I didn't discover it for three days.  Then when you eat the paste it really coats your mouth... like you may have to brush your teeth five or six times to thoroughly get rid of the taste.  Mui said that a lot of Thai people don't even like the paste, so I got that going for me.  Which is nice.  We also took a day trip out to Ao Phang Nga national park by long-tail boat which is essentially a large bay with a multitude of limestone islands.  One of the islands they actually call James Bond Island because it was Scaramanga's hideout in The Man With The Golden Gun.  There are loads of fishermen along with loads of tourists roaming the islands up to Ko Panyee which is an inhabited island where all the buildings are up on stilts.

And this is where the question becomes how much tourism is too much?  As Mui and I were roaming around the island it seemed like every footpath was completely lined by merchants and vendors selling trinkets, t-shirts, posters... all that stuff.  If you're an actual inhabitant of this island, say, a fisherman, there's no way for you to get away from the tourists.  We even saw some guy go right up to a fisherman who was washing his face to take pictures.  Thai people are generally nice so they can't say no, but this kind of stuff is why generally the more touristy a place is the less nice the people are.  The thing is, though, that it's a two-way street.  Tourism generates so much revenue in Thailand that people see it as a guaranteed way to make money.  On top of that there's hardly any sort of regulation so that's why you see the massive explosion in establishments on Phuket and just about everyplace else.  That's also why Mui can't do anything about the guy who opened  up a garbage dump right next to his house, but that's another story.  I think I said this after I was here in 2006 and again in 2009, but if you want to find any part of this beautiful country that is a little more low-key or unspoiled I think you can find it if you search hard enough, but if you wait another 5-10 years you're going to be out of luck.

I don't have a ton of pictures from this last week, but here they are...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/dAd2SdNZzNP3SEsy7

Take 'er easy,
Dave

Pop's Wedding

Hey everybody,

It's been three years since I was last in Thailand and judging by the laughter when I attempt to order dinner my pronunciation of the Thai language has not improved appreciably during that time.  Luckily I've been hanging out with Pop so I haven't had to do much other than say hello and goodbye and I'm hungry.  Speaking of Pop, those of you who know him are probably familiar with the fact that his English can sometimes be... let's say a bit challenging to understand.  I do pretty well but I've known Pop for 13 years.  Julian said once that Pop and I are like Chewbacca and Han Solo because I'm the only one who understands what he's saying.  Anyhow, when you see Pop in Thailand it's a whole other story.  The guy is constantly talking, bargaining, making people laugh, on the phone, and is as smooth as can be.  I don't understand what he's saying but you can tell by the body language and by other people's reactions that the guy has a way with words.  I asked him if it's frustrating for him when he's in the U.S. that he obviously can't communicate the same way that he can in Thai.  Pop just shrugged his shoulders and said that as long as he has friends who are patient with him when he's trying to get something across it's no big deal (mai pen rai).  I, on the other hand, can speak fluent Italian but I fly into an internal rage when I'm in Italy and somebody makes a joke I don't get or utters some colloquialism I can't understand.  That's the difference between Thais and Italians I guess.  Well, that and body hair.

Thailand is very familiar to me since I've spent a good chunk of time here but it still takes a few days of adaptation.  I think I've described Bangkok as organized chaos before and that hasn't changed.  Everyone seems to be conducting their everyday business out on the street and between the market stalls, the crowds on the sidewalk and the ambulatory vendors there's barely any room to walk.  I spent the first couple of days following Pop around as he was running errands in preparation for his wedding.  It gave me the chance to pepper him with questions about Thai culture, the economy, ladyboys, sex tourism... basically anything that came to mind about Thailand.  Pop summed up the Thai philosophy very succinctly:  "Thai people are ok with anything."  There's more to it than that but that is the basic gist.  By the time Ramanan and the others arrived a few days later I was mostly over the jetlag and one step ahead of the rest of the group.  Paul arrived a day late... he missed his flight because he got AM and PM mixed up.  Come on... who does that?

Paul claims he was wiping off sweat but that looks like a pit check

We had one full tourist day before the wedding where Randy, Paul and I packed in visits to the golden Buddha, Wat Pho and the Grand Palace.  I'd seen a couple of these on previous trips but it was worth a return trip, especially for the reclining Buddha.  You'll see from the pictures that it's an enormous statue of the buddha that's maybe 30 feet high and over 100 feet long with intricate inscriptions on the soles of the feet.  It was also remarkable to see that the temples and palaces are kept so meticulously shiny.  The paint looks fresh and the small pieces of stained glass that make up the outside of most of the buildings look almost new.  That evening we sat ringside and saw two knockouts in nine bouts of Muay Thai fights at Ratchadamnoen stadium.  Of course we had to pay farang (foreigner) prices for the tickets although smooth Pop got us a 300 baht discount.  Over the course of the day Paul impressively sweat through two shirts and in the week I've been here has already done laundry twice.

As many of you know I'm a tremendous fan of weddings.  I don't have an accurate count but I think I've been to over 50 weddings, been a member of the wedding party 10 times and have officiated two myself (thank you Universal Life Church).  This was definitely the earliest I've had to get up for a ceremony... we had to be at Kae's house by 5 AM because that's when the fortune teller told Pop that they had to start .  Since Pop and Kae are ethnically Chinese it was a mixture of Thai and Chinese customs, one of which was the procession bearing gifts into the bride's house.  Paul and I got the plate of raw pork shoulder and liver which would've been fine except Pop took a while to negotiate with Kae's family to let us in and that pork was heavy.  And it was 5 AM.  And it was liver.  After we got inside there were more negotiations and more jokes and and more red envelopes as we made our way up the stairs until we got to the top floor of Kae's house where they wouldn't let us pass unless we sang a song.  So we decided on the only song that apparently is known both in the U.S. and in Thailand... Jingle Bells.  And so there we were at 5 AM in a Bangkok suburb smelling like pork liver and singing Jingle Bells at the top of our lungs with a bunch of Thai people as part of a wedding ritual.  You can't make that up.

The happy couple.  That's them on the right.

The rest of the ceremony consisted of the two families sitting together and talking then exchanging gifts, money, and eventually rings.  Pop's uncle talked quite a bit and there was a lot of laughing and clapping and general happiness all around.  There were a few poignant moments however because Pop's dad had unexpectedly passed away only a couple of weeks ago.  You would have never been able to tell from the general demeanor of the Thapanangkun family, even for the few days that I stayed at Pop's house, but there were a few moments during the ceremony and especially at the reception later in the evening where things understandably became a bit emotional.  I really felt for Pop because it was obvious that he's been feeling a lot of conflicting emotions during the last couple of weeks, and through it all it seemed like his greatest concern was for us (his foreign friends) and whether we were ok.  That's just the kind of guy that he is... Pop is probably the most genuinely generous person that I know.  I'm really, really happy for him because Kae is a fantastic person with a terrific spirit and they seem good for each other.  The reception was later that evening with a live band, a nine-course meal, two emcees, speeches by Pop and Kae and a bouquet toss that was strictly for foreigners.  I'm pretty sure Pop and Kae didn't eat or sleep all day but Pop still wanted to take us out for a beer on Soi Cowboy, I think mostly to see if we could tell the ladyboys from the actual women.

The last couple of days Paul and I have been lounging around on Ko Samet, an island about 3 hours east of Bangkok, not really doing much of anything but in a good way.  It's rainy season so it's not too crowded which is a stark counterpoint to Bangkok.  Our only task for today was to sort out a bus back to the city for tomorrow.  Then we walked 50 yards to lunch, then maybe another 20 yards to the beach, then maybe another 50 yards to get a foot massage.  Now we're trying to get up the energy to walk to dinner.  I don't even know what day it is.

Here are the pics...

https://photos.app.goo.gl/yBsZXTLuGK1112pd9

Take 'er easy,
Dave

Bresh across the U.S.

Hey everybody,

In the immortal words of David St. Hubbins... There's a fine line between stupid and clever.  When spending a bunch of time driving alone you tend more toward the former.  To wit, I took a bunch of videos during the course of the trip, some of which you've already seen, and I've compiled them into a random, somewhat disjointed 15-minute travelogue.  For those of you that prefer movies to books, you're welcome.

http://youtu.be/Q5ms541NH1k

Take 'er easy,
Dave