No Pai, No Gain

Hey everybody,

Pictures here:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/72XJZEvZNcMeBfiUA

Greetings from the land of stray dogs and fearless chickens! I think I'm enjoying my first couple of weeks being 31. I like to tell people I'm 31. It sounds more authoritative than 30, like I know what I'm doing. Maybe because it's a prime number. I don't know.

Last time I left you I was in Chiang Mai, where the night before I took off I went to see some Muay Thai kickboxing. For those of you not familiar with Muay Thai, it's like boxing except with kicking and knees and elbows. There were something like 8 bouts that we (I went with some friends from the cooking school) watched. The fighters ranged in weight from 100-140 lbs, and some of them looked like they were as young as 11 years old. These guys are lightning fast and most of the fighting involves kicks to the midsection and knees to the midsection while grappling. Every once in a while someone gets an elbow to the head. There were two knockouts. There's a lot of ceremony involved before each bout, and during the fight there's a band that plays some drums and some kind of clarinet-type instrument along with the fight. My favorite fight of the night was the one involving the white guy. I guess the Thais like any excuse to have foreigners fighting in the ring because it was billed as a "special match." This dude's name was Mark and he weighed about 160 lbs. His opponent (the Thai fighter) had that look about him like they only drag him out to fight the foreigners. He was chubby, out of shape, and looked like he'd just been woken up. He gave that vibe like he'd be more comfortable on a recliner with a beer in his hand watching reruns of the Thai version of Cops. Anyway, the fight was a sloppy free for all which the Thai dude eventually won, but it was heavy on the entertainment factor.

The next day I headed to a village in the northwest of Thailand called Pai where I stayed for a week. Pai is a slow-moving, remote village full of hippies and granolas. It's a place where people go for a couple of days and end up staying a few months. This guy named David at our guesthouse had been there for 5 months and was now working as a part-time ambulance driver and playing guitar at the local bar. One night when it was raining he came to pick us up from a bar in the ambulance with the lights and siren going. Anyhow, the guesthouse where I stayed was right along the Pai river and I got a private bungalow along the water. The first night I was there the owner Rick was hanging out with a bunch of his friends out in the courtyard and invited me over to hang out with them. A couple of them were playing guitar and singing which was a cool way to spend my first evening. Most of them were Thai songs, but they eventually busted out with Hotel California which sadly seems to be the universal acoustic jam song. They were all singing at the top of their lungs, which was great for me but probably not for the other guests trying to sleep. I probably met more Americans in Pai than I have during the rest of my trip combined. Lek and John from San Francisco and this dude from Seattle named Rob whom I ended up hanging out with most of the week. Lek and John were same sex marriage #2600 at city hall in SF and it was cool to hear the story about how they had to wait in line for hours and tons of supporters were coming to give them food, coffee, etc.

My first Pai (pronounced pie) adventure came courtesy of Rick's brother in law, a dude named Thip, who does tours of northwest Thailand using offroad motorcycles. You see where this is going. I'm asking all of you nicely not to relay any of this next story back to my grandma. So he's telling me that I can take a 2-day trip with him through the forest and the mountains and up along the Myanmar (aka Burma) border. It seemed like a good idea at the time... I mean I have a motorcycle back home, I know how to ride, how hard can it be? I was thinking, you know, dirt roads and shit. My first warning should've been the morning we were leaving when this monsoon came down and soaked everything. It stopped raining after about an hour and Thip said "no problem." (Side note: activities in Thailand don't let themselves get bogged down in pesky things like liability forms and insurance. Basically, I handed over the cash and he handed over the bike. I'm surprised I got a helmet.) So we take off. Within the first hour I was covered in a combination of mud and sweat, the latter being both from physical exertion and terror. I came to realize that off road means dirt roads, and rocks, and streams, and rocks, and mud, and fields, and more rocks. There was a lot of 45+ degree incline involved. Once you come to terms with the fact that the bike is constantly fishtailing, it gets easier.
Thip was a great guide... for the 3 seconds I could keep him in my field of vision. He kept zipping around corners, up hills, around banks, so that I couldn't see where I was supposed to go. A couple of times I almost got lost. Well, I don't want to make it sound like it was all terrifying. We rode through four hill tribe villages, which was very cool. In one of them we passed by a school where the kids all stopped and waved at us as we passed by. I only remember that because I almost fell off the bike as I tried to wave back. We climbed high up into the mountains of northwest Thailand where there are some spectacular views of the countryside. As we were making one of these climbs, this disturbing amount of white smoke began to flow from Thip's bike's engine. Shit. We barely reached the next village where we had to pull over to look at the damage. Well, I guess technically pulling over would require a road, but you know what I mean. Of course, it now starts to rain again, so we haul Thip's bike under the house of the village doctor. The village was practically empty but Thip managed to borrow some tools from some locals so he could open up the engine. Some sprocket that powered the mechanism to feed the oil had completely lost all its teeth. Thip's bike was toast. 2 of us... 1 bike left... I quickly used my mathematical genius to realize what this meant. The next hour was possibly one of the most physically uncomfortable of my life. There was nowhere safe to sit... the choice was between a constant wedgie or a constant groin pull. Two full grown men are not supposed to fit on a 250cc bike. Did I mention we were still off road? It was also raining, which wasn't so bad because it washed the mud off. We finally reached Mae Hong Son about an hour before dusk where we had some dinner. I felt bad for Thip because he seemed very distraught about his bike. He only has three of them and it costs a lot of money to fix or replace them since everything has to be imported from Japan. So instead of going to a guesthouse I agreed to spend the night at his friend Loei's apartment building where I enjoyed watching the Thai version of Who wants to be a millionaire. It actually turned out to be kind of cool spending the evening with a Thai family. Plus it seemed to make Thip feel better to chatter his frustration away in Thai. The only drawback was that I had to sleep in the toolshed because there wasn't enough room in the house.

The next day we checked out the longneck Karen village nearby, which I didn't dig too much because it was like a zoo. You know the longnecks, the women with all the rings around their neck that makes them unnaturally long. Anyway, it was a weird atmosphere with people staring at them and the villagers trying to get you to buy their stuff, so we left after a few minutes for the long road back to Pai. We took the paved road, which was good, but it took 3 hours, which was bad.

This seemed like a good time to try my first Thai massage, because there were muscles that were sore from the ride that I didn't even know I had. Okay, I'll be honest, I'm not a big fan of the massages, but I figured if I ever needed one it was now. I went to a shop that Thip recommended to me. So, about an hour into the massage the lady goes to me "why you no sleep?" I'm thinking... exactly when was I supposed to be sleeping? When you were digging your thumbs into my groin muscle? Perhaps when your elbow was jammed into the back of my neck? At one point during the massage she was trying to twist me into some supposedly relaxing position (not realizing that I'm the most inflexible human being alive) when she stopped, looked at me and yelled "farang something" in Thai. Then later she tried some weird maneuver on me where my legs were over my head and she climbed up and had her knees into my hamstrings. She slipped and fell and gave me a knee to the midsection. She laughed for two whole minutes. That was my last Thai massage.

The other thing I tried while I was in Pai was Muay Thai kickboxing. Rob found out about this place where you just show up and pay for a day's training. It lasts about two hours, which is enough. I met this artist from SF named Jeff there who had set up a studio in Pai and had been there for 4 months. He's having an exhibition in November at Hang gallery in case anyone's interested in going with me. Oh, and Jeff informed me that Beer Chang contains formaldehyde. I should be quite well-preserved when I get home. Anyway, the gym was a covered outdoor training area and ring in this valley with spectacular views of the surrounding mountains. I ended up going for two sessions and I wish it could've been more.
One of the highlights of my trip to Thailand so far is working on a heavy bag while a monsoon is pouring down rain all around me. There was thunder and lightning and I just had to stop for a minute to soak it all in. Talk about unforgettable memories. The instructors, Birt and Sun, didn't speak any English, but they made themselves understood. They were these two short, stocky, fierce-looking Thai dudes who looked like they'd taken a few elbows to the face. They called me Dep since they couldn't really pronounce Dave. They were fascinated by my chest hair, which I guess is not common among Thais. There were these two kids training with them, and they'd point to my chest and laugh. I think it was because of the hair, anyway. The training was pretty intense for guys having no experience. They put you to work on the bags right away then put you in the ring to practice with an instructor with pads. By my second day I was already learning some kind of spinning elbow strike (wicked!). I now feel like I could hold my own for AT LEAST 30 seconds in the ring with an 11-year-old. Of course, there are some other fond memories from the training, such as:
-Skin rubbed off bottom of both big toes -Bruised and swollen shins -Trembling of the right hand -Bruised and swollen knees -Skinned, bruised, and swollen left elbow Okay, that last one didn't have to do with the kickboxing. It was a result of falling down some stairs at a bar and then falling off a scooter later that night. This was related to my first experience with a Thai "bucket." (Thank you Rob) But that is a story for another time. Maybe Pai wasn't so mellow.
Really, though, I was sad to leave. I can see why people can end up spending so much time there. I was treated like family by the folks at Baan Tawan guesthouse. Thip told me that if I come back to Pai I can stay for free at his house and work with him in the offroad motorcycle business. He offered me 20%.

Rob and I left Pai together and headed back to Chiang Mai. From there he headed south to Ko Tao and I headed north to Chiang Rai. Let me say this about Chiang Rai: If you ever come to Thailand, don't bother. How can I put it... if Chiang Mai is Vegas, then Chiang Rai is Reno. There's nothing to it. I should've known when all the Lonely Planet could say about it is "Ummm... there are some temples!" I think the guesthouse I was staying at was one of those places that people can rent hourly. When I paid the manager for my room he didn't even ask me for my name. The highlight of my day was being propositioned by the middle-aged hooker in room 3. I was hoping to line up a two day trek, but I went to three companies that said I was the only person so far who was interested. Low season, I was told. So I visited the Hill Tribe museum which had a really cool exhibit on the history of opium, but also cured me of any remaining desire I had to go trekking. I felt like I'd learned enough about the tribes without having to be a voyeur.

So I left Chiang Rai as quickly as possible, but where to? I decided to go to Mae Sai, the northernmost city in Thailand, and cross the border into Myanmar (aka Burma). Why not? It seemed like something to do. Plus, I would get the added bonus of being able to begin conversations with "Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Myanmar (aka Burma)?" I'd could sound like J. Peterman! After having done it, though, I wouldn't necessarily recommend going unless it's to renew your Thai visa and/or to buy some really cheap stuff in Myanmar (aka Burma). There's this outdoor market set up just over the border where as soon as you cross you're assaulted by cigarette vendors. You can buy real CDs (from China) for about 2 dollars each. I bought a CD of Cuban music, if only to say that I bought a Cuban music CD when I crossed from Thailand into Myanmar (aka Burma). Doesn't that just sound cool? You get hidden surprises, though. I thought I was getting a 2-CD set of Norah Jones but it turns out only one is hers. If anyone wants Avril Lavigne's latest album, just say the word. Also, you can buy some monkey skulls if you have the urge. I was tempted, but I wasn't sure if I'd have to declare it. I mean, wouldn't it be cool to have a bunch of monkey skulls just so you could serve jello in them and say they're "chilled monkey brains" like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?

Well, now I'm back in Chiang Mai for the night and tomorrow I'm flying down to Ko Tao to meet up with Rob. I think I've done enough in the north and now it's time for some island beach and some diving. I hope my next travelogue will be more boring because it'll mean I've been relaxing.

As always, the dude abides,
Dave

A Brief Moment of Introspection....

Hi everybody,

Pictures here:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/dGsYqnhdK5BRZ31a7

If you'd told me 3 years ago that I'd be in Chiang Mai, Thailand to celebrate my 31st birthday, I'd have thought you were insane. Even if you'd told me that last year I wouldn't have believed it. Hey, this isn't a plea for birthday wishes because if you all sent them to me I wouldn't reply to everybody then I'd feel bad about it. Actually, I just wanted to say thanks to all of you. I wouldn't be here without the love and support of my family and friends and I attribute where I am (physically and mentally) as much to all of you as I do to myself.

Okay, enough of that shit and on to the good stuff. Last time I left you I'd just arrived in Perth after a strange adventure across the Nullarbor. I ended up extending my stay by a few days and not flying out until the 6th. I think it was mostly because I couldn't get enough of watching Zak and Ronan play pool. Riveting stuff. For a city that at first glance didn't seem like it had spectacular nightlife how we ended up staying out until 5 something like 3 nights in a row is beyond me. It must have had something to do with Ronan's hypnotic dancing style.
He has a rhythm and grace which can only be described as Treebeard-esque. Zak and I also had a memorable night out with these three Swiss girls we met on the Nullarbor trip and three local dudes. We somehow managed to pile 8 people into one of the guys' tiny car (it might've been a Ford Festiva) and drive around for half an hour looking for some club. It was like a clown car. Perth is actually a very nice city and I had a great time. It's not right on the ocean, but it's built on the Swan River which leads out west to the Indian Ocean. One of the days we took a ferry ride out to Fremantle along the Swan, saw loads of dolphins along the ferry, along with many 50+ million dollar houses along the water. Apparently Perth has the most millionaires of any Australian capitol. I'll never forget that I bought my first pair of designer jeans there. Although I didn't pay a hundred bucks for them (I'm talking to you Kelli). Thank you for the help Roisin, I'll think of you every time I use the jaws of life to take them off.

From Perth I flew in to Singapore, and at the last minute decided to spend a few days there to check it out. I don't know if it was the fact that I was leaving some cool new friends behind, or that I was going to a new country, or the malaria tablets I was taking, or what, but I hated it. The three longest days of my trip, bar none. Singapore is good for those of you who find Los Angeles a bit too rustic.
It's a business district, surrounded by a shopping mall, surrounded by highrises. And it's hot and humid. Woohoo! Wait, it gets better. Jason (this guy I met in the hostel) and I decided to check out the nightlife one night. So we took a cab over to one of the main clubbing/bar roads. When the cab almost hit 4 drunk people walking across the street, we knew we were in the right place. I just wanted a couple of beers, so we looked for someplace that had no cover charge. We found the one (1) place that was free to get in. I went up to the bar and ordered two beers.
The dude pours me two thimblefuls of Carlsberg and says "20 dollars." That was the end of my bar hopping in Singapore. I won't go into detail about my mind-numbing day on Orchard road. I just wanted a pair of tennis shoes. That's all. Some of you know how much I dislike shopping, but this was like my personal hades. It wasn't just one shopping mall, but like 18 of them in a row. On each side of the road.
I felt like I was in Groundhog Day. There are a couple of good things about Singapore though: the food is cheap and good, the coffee is good, and they have very high quality air conditioning. Also, for those dorks like me on this mailing list, I went to see this Lord of the Rings exhibition that had all this behind the scenes shit plus real weapons and costumes. Wicked cool.

You wouldn't believe how much I was looking forward to getting to Thailand. I flew to Bangkok and hopped on another flight to Chiang Mai in the north. So far, I am loving it. I got picked up from the airport in a tuk-tuk, which is like a giant motorized tricycle with a canopy. My first introduction to Thai traffic was like an amusement park ride. There's not really any lanes here, or right of way, or any of that shit that gets in the way when you have to get from point A to point B. There's stoplights, but they're optional. Somehow, though, it all works out. I haven't seen an accident in 5 days. Not like I would drive myself though. Not to get too deep or anything (not that it's possible for me anyway), but it's kind of an allegory for how everything works around here. There aren't a lot of rules, which would make you think it's chaotic, but everything seems to have achieved some sort of balance. So does that make it actually orderly? Wrap your head around that paradox, baby!
See, I educate as well as entertain. Another thing I've discovered is my new favorite beer, Beer Chang. The reason I like it is because the alcohol level is 6.4%, yet it's the cheapest beer in Thailand. I've also heard that 6.4 is the MINIMUM percentage and it could actually go as high as 14%. I was pondering the vicissitudes of variable alcohol beer last night (while drinking 3 Beer Changs) when I realized that you could make an absolute killing importing the stuff and selling it to college students in the US! Of course, the drawback to the strength of the beer is what I've dubbed the Changover. I had a hard time getting up this morning. As for what I've been doing the last few days: Thai Cooking course, my friends. That's right ladies, as if I wasn't irresistible enough, I can now add Thai master chef to the old resume. Tomorrow... vegetable carving. I'll think of all of you as I'm making a rose out of a tomato.

So far, the only person I've had longer than a 5-minute conversation with is the tuk-tuk guy that operates out of my guesthouse named Intha. He's in his mid to late 50s and works driving the tuk-tuk and doing odd jobs around the guesthouse. Actually, I'm not sure how many people work in the guesthouse and how many are just hanging out. There's anywhere between two and seven people hanging out by the outside bar/reception area. Anyway, Intha taught himself English by reading and watching movies. There were 7 kids in his family and since schools in Thailand cost money they couldn't afford to send all of them to school. He's been to Bangkok once and never outside Thailand. He taught me a very valuable lesson: If you're going to get a Thai massage, make sure it's done by an old lady, preferably a blind one.
He said the young girls don't know what they're doing, although they're the ones who are always on the sidewalk trying to get you to go in. Speaking of young girls, Chiang Mai doesn't have the greatest nightlife, but I did see a strip of bars as I was walking around one afternoon and decided to check it out in the evening. As I walked by I started to wonder why there were so many Thai girls sitting either alone or with old white guys. Oh. *Oh*. Sometimes it takes me a while.

I do have to admit that I have discovered an irresistible nighttime activity... the Chiang Mai night bazaar. This one street is lined with vendors which open from 4pm until midnight selling all sorts of clothes, knicknacks, and knockoffs. I suck at haggling. My first interaction with a vendor went something like this:
Me-How much is that shirt?
Vendor-99 baht.
Me-Um, okay.
I can't help it. I think I'm still getting ripped off, but I can't get too fired up about 50 cents. I'm getting loads of those really light cotton shirts that I'm sure I'll never wear when I get home. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to put on about 20 lbs before I get home because the food is so cheap. For 100 baht (about $2.50) I got spring rolls, mussel salad, naan bread, and an iced coffee the other night. There's always the danger of getting a gristle stick though, as I did yesterday. Carefully examine all barbecued "meat", that would be my advice to you.

A couple of my other highlights have included eating durian for the first time (yeah, it stinks, but it tastes pretty good) and having a 15 minute conversation with a Thai student who wanted to practice his English. He told me about a few places to check out in the area and kept asking me if I was going to try "lighting bamboo." I couldn't figure out what the hell he was talking about. What is that some sort of firewalking ceremony? Then I figured out he meant *riding* a bamboo raft down the river.

As always, the dude abides.
Dave

I Know It's Been a While...

... since I last wrote but I've been out of commission. I spent some time in the hospital recently to have a dangerous mole removed from my penis. That's the last time I'm shagging one of those! Ha ha ha!!!

Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. My buddy Zack told it to me. That's the kind of shit you get into when you spend 9 days with someone camping across Southern Australia. But more on that later.

Pictures here:

https://photos.app.goo.gl/whnFxFLqRzz239zHA

Last time I wrote I was heading for Alice Springs, smack in the middle of Australia. As the plane descended into "The Alice" the first thing that came to my mind was Needles, California. The only reason I even know about Needles is because it's in the middle of freakin' nowhere. That pretty much sums up Alice Springs as well. It's like being in the middle of Death Valley, except everything is red. I was only there one day before my Uluru tour, so besides enjoying the 100+ degree desert heat I didn't do much. The next day I headed out at 5 AM for a 3-day trip around the red center's most famous natural landmarks: Uluru (Ayers Rock), Kata Tjuta (The Olgas), and Kings Canyon. I have never seen as many sunrises cumulatively in my lifetime as I have the last three weeks. These camping tour guides are like freakin drill sergeants. Our guide was a French expat named David. Most of the three days was spent driving because everything was so damned far away. There were about 20 people on this trip and it's the most Americans I've seen thus far: 6 exchange students on holiday from the University of Queensland. Anyway, probably most of you have seen Uluru from postcards or pictures or whatever, but it's an impressive sight to behold in person. I have to admit that the first thing I thought of when I saw it was that it looked like a giant nipple. I guess if the whole of Australia was a big breast, Uluru could be the nipple. It's right there in the middle, it's round, flat, and reddish brown. Come on, admit it. I could work for the Australian tourism bureau. Anyway, I didn't climb to the top because The Rock is sacred to the three local Aboriginal tribes and they ask that you don't climb it. Since it's controlled by the Australian government, however, you are still allowed to climb.
Three people from the group went ahead and climbed it anyway and the rest of us went on a base walk with David. He's really in with the local Aboriginals so he showed us some of the drawings in the rock, what they meant, and taught us some words in the local dialect. At night we camped out in swags, which are these kind of tent/mattress hybrids made for one person. Like I said earlier, up at 5 the next morning to catch the sunrise at Kata Tjuta. It's a good call for a few reasons: sunrises on these monoliths are spectacular, you beat the crowds from the countless other tours, and you don't get beaten down by the ridiculous desert heat. At sunrise, the rock looks so RED. I had to go up and touch it to make sure it didn't rub off. It's because the rocks have a high ferrous content that makes them more red than normal rock. The number one thing I'll remember from the red center, though, is how beautiful the sky was. You really never hear about that, but it's awesome. It's the biggest sky I've ever seen as you can see the horizon in all directions, and it's a beautiful blue with fluffy flat-bottomed clouds stretching as far as the eye can see. Stunning. The number two thing I'll remember about the red center are all the damned flies. It was unbelievable. Once the sun came up, they swarmed all over you. There was no defense for it. And they were ballsy flies too, not the type that'll go away after just a wave of the hand. I have a picture of my back just covered with the freakin things.

I stayed a couple of days in Alice Springs before taking the Ghan train ride down to Adelaide. If you ever go to Australia, make sure you minimize your time in Alice Springs. There is nothing to do there. The only entertainment I got was from listening to the stories of my roommates in what was possibly the shittiest hostel in Australia. My roommates were a Scottish guy, a Dutch guy, and two Irish girls who were traveling together but had run out of money in Alice Springs. They were working odd jobs to save up to get out of there. The Scottish guy was complaining to me that they were having trouble saving money and it was taking them a long time. Well, maybe if you didn't go through two cases of beer and 5 packs of cigarettes a day you might be able to save a little more you dumbshit. They also decided that the room's kitchen was their personal area so there was some rice and pasta of indeterminate age in the sink that didn't get cleaned the whole time I was there.

I was glad to get moving to Adelaide. The train ride was uneventful. I helped an old lady with her crossword puzzles. That was the highlight. Adelaide was a cool city though. It has a compact city center that is easy to walk around. The hostel I stayed at was run by these two old dudes who served free ice cream and apple pie every evening at 8. There'd be a scrum every night when the apple pie was served... it was like a bunch of little kids. Good pie though. I did a day tour of the Barrossa Valley which is one of the best wine producing regions of Australia. The trip was cool, although as you'd expect there were a couple of poseurs on there who thought they knew everything about wine. They were the ones who ended up passed out on the bus at the end of the day. Our guide Matt has a master's in viticulture and his family owns a vineyard in the valley. It was a really good value as we ended up tasting about 25 different wines. Plus, there was barbecued kangaroo for lunch.
Mmmm.

I don't know where to begin to describe my 9-day camping trip from Adelaide to Perth across the Nullarbor plain, so maybe I'll use bullet points or something.
-There were ten people on the tour: 4 English, 2 Irish, 1 German, 1 Japanese, 1 Swiss, and me.
-Our guide, Jake, looked a lot like Kit. He was tall, gangly, and loped instead of walking. He loves the outdoors, though, and he's a vegan, so maybe he's more like a bizarro version of Kit.
-We travelled a total of 4040 Kilometers, so there was a lot of bus time.
-The natural sights were something incredible to behold. The Great Australian Bight looked like it was a painting. We went swimming in a lake that was in a cave below the Nullarbor plain. We stayed a day and a half at LeGrand national park which had some of the most beautiful white sand beaches I've ever seen. The sand contained so much silica that it squeaked when you walked on it. We got to drive through an area where the rangers were doing a controlled burn at night which was wicked cool. I have shitloads of great pictures.
-The German girl was insane. First, on day 2, she took off her top and tried to flag down an 18-wheeler.
Day 6 she was skinny dipping in the underground lake.
By day 8 she stripped down completely naked at a truck stop because it had a gag sign that said Nudist Crossing and she wanted her picture taken in front of it.
-I mooned truckers twice. The first time was from the front seat of the bus and it was just me. I kind of got into it and was dubbed "the ass slapper" for the rest of the trip. Hey, if you're going to do it, have a good time no? The second time Jake told the truckers on the radio that the German was going to flash them as we drove by, but instead all the guys stuck pulled their pants down and slapped their asses as we went by the trucks. They told me they were just following my example. The truckers were not amused.
-We met an old English ex-biker who's crossing the Nullarbor on a horse and cart with his dog. He fancies himself a "bush poet" and recited some of his poetry for us. It was filthy. I bought one.
-One of the English girls, Sarah, all she did was eat.
She always shoved her way to the front of the food line and didn't lift a hand to help with anything. I dubbed her Ms. Pac Man. Waka waka!
-Bush camping is a really interesting experience. The sunrises are unreal because there's nothing but landscape around you. The worst part is having to take a crap in a dug up hole. Jake insisted that we do everything in the hole because it's less disruptive to the environment. The hole took on a life of its own. After a while, we had some pretty good running jokes about what you're supposed to do in the hole.
-I made really good friends with an English dude named Zack and an Irish couple Ronan and Roisin. We're all staying together at a hostel in Perth. We drank many cases of Tooheys on the trip and probably know more about each other than we should. Zack and Ronan call me The Beast, which is better than ass slapper. Anyway, I've got a place to stay in Leicester, Dublin, and Galway if I need it. Sweet as.
-Zack is a machine. We went up this mountain that was supposed to be a three hour return climb. The rest of us stopped about halfway and then headed back down because we only had an hour and a half to do it. Zack came back fifteen minutes late. He had made it all the way up the mountain and back, met some girls from a tour group, and arranged for us to meet them at a bar in Perth on Saturday night.
-I have a newfound appreciation for the mighty wombat.

I'm sure there's loads of stuff that I'm forgetting but this message is already long enough. I have some unbelievable pictures from this trip which I will definitely post when I get back. Hope everyone's doing well. I'll be in Perth a few more days so I'll try to respond to your messages if I haven't yet.

As always, the dude abides.
Dave