... since I last wrote but I've been out of commission. I spent some time in the hospital recently to have a dangerous mole removed from my penis. That's the last time I'm shagging one of those! Ha ha ha!!!
Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. My buddy Zack told it to me. That's the kind of shit you get into when you spend 9 days with someone camping across Southern Australia. But more on that later.
Pictures here:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/whnFxFLqRzz239zHA
Last time I wrote I was heading for Alice Springs, smack in the middle of Australia. As the plane descended into "The Alice" the first thing that came to my mind was Needles, California. The only reason I even know about Needles is because it's in the middle of freakin' nowhere. That pretty much sums up Alice Springs as well. It's like being in the middle of Death Valley, except everything is red. I was only there one day before my Uluru tour, so besides enjoying the 100+ degree desert heat I didn't do much. The next day I headed out at 5 AM for a 3-day trip around the red center's most famous natural landmarks: Uluru (Ayers Rock), Kata Tjuta (The Olgas), and Kings Canyon. I have never seen as many sunrises cumulatively in my lifetime as I have the last three weeks. These camping tour guides are like freakin drill sergeants. Our guide was a French expat named David. Most of the three days was spent driving because everything was so damned far away. There were about 20 people on this trip and it's the most Americans I've seen thus far: 6 exchange students on holiday from the University of Queensland. Anyway, probably most of you have seen Uluru from postcards or pictures or whatever, but it's an impressive sight to behold in person. I have to admit that the first thing I thought of when I saw it was that it looked like a giant nipple. I guess if the whole of Australia was a big breast, Uluru could be the nipple. It's right there in the middle, it's round, flat, and reddish brown. Come on, admit it. I could work for the Australian tourism bureau. Anyway, I didn't climb to the top because The Rock is sacred to the three local Aboriginal tribes and they ask that you don't climb it. Since it's controlled by the Australian government, however, you are still allowed to climb.
Three people from the group went ahead and climbed it anyway and the rest of us went on a base walk with David. He's really in with the local Aboriginals so he showed us some of the drawings in the rock, what they meant, and taught us some words in the local dialect. At night we camped out in swags, which are these kind of tent/mattress hybrids made for one person. Like I said earlier, up at 5 the next morning to catch the sunrise at Kata Tjuta. It's a good call for a few reasons: sunrises on these monoliths are spectacular, you beat the crowds from the countless other tours, and you don't get beaten down by the ridiculous desert heat. At sunrise, the rock looks so RED. I had to go up and touch it to make sure it didn't rub off. It's because the rocks have a high ferrous content that makes them more red than normal rock. The number one thing I'll remember from the red center, though, is how beautiful the sky was. You really never hear about that, but it's awesome. It's the biggest sky I've ever seen as you can see the horizon in all directions, and it's a beautiful blue with fluffy flat-bottomed clouds stretching as far as the eye can see. Stunning. The number two thing I'll remember about the red center are all the damned flies. It was unbelievable. Once the sun came up, they swarmed all over you. There was no defense for it. And they were ballsy flies too, not the type that'll go away after just a wave of the hand. I have a picture of my back just covered with the freakin things.
I stayed a couple of days in Alice Springs before taking the Ghan train ride down to Adelaide. If you ever go to Australia, make sure you minimize your time in Alice Springs. There is nothing to do there. The only entertainment I got was from listening to the stories of my roommates in what was possibly the shittiest hostel in Australia. My roommates were a Scottish guy, a Dutch guy, and two Irish girls who were traveling together but had run out of money in Alice Springs. They were working odd jobs to save up to get out of there. The Scottish guy was complaining to me that they were having trouble saving money and it was taking them a long time. Well, maybe if you didn't go through two cases of beer and 5 packs of cigarettes a day you might be able to save a little more you dumbshit. They also decided that the room's kitchen was their personal area so there was some rice and pasta of indeterminate age in the sink that didn't get cleaned the whole time I was there.
I was glad to get moving to Adelaide. The train ride was uneventful. I helped an old lady with her crossword puzzles. That was the highlight. Adelaide was a cool city though. It has a compact city center that is easy to walk around. The hostel I stayed at was run by these two old dudes who served free ice cream and apple pie every evening at 8. There'd be a scrum every night when the apple pie was served... it was like a bunch of little kids. Good pie though. I did a day tour of the Barrossa Valley which is one of the best wine producing regions of Australia. The trip was cool, although as you'd expect there were a couple of poseurs on there who thought they knew everything about wine. They were the ones who ended up passed out on the bus at the end of the day. Our guide Matt has a master's in viticulture and his family owns a vineyard in the valley. It was a really good value as we ended up tasting about 25 different wines. Plus, there was barbecued kangaroo for lunch.
Mmmm.
I don't know where to begin to describe my 9-day camping trip from Adelaide to Perth across the Nullarbor plain, so maybe I'll use bullet points or something.
-There were ten people on the tour: 4 English, 2 Irish, 1 German, 1 Japanese, 1 Swiss, and me.
-Our guide, Jake, looked a lot like Kit. He was tall, gangly, and loped instead of walking. He loves the outdoors, though, and he's a vegan, so maybe he's more like a bizarro version of Kit.
-We travelled a total of 4040 Kilometers, so there was a lot of bus time.
-The natural sights were something incredible to behold. The Great Australian Bight looked like it was a painting. We went swimming in a lake that was in a cave below the Nullarbor plain. We stayed a day and a half at LeGrand national park which had some of the most beautiful white sand beaches I've ever seen. The sand contained so much silica that it squeaked when you walked on it. We got to drive through an area where the rangers were doing a controlled burn at night which was wicked cool. I have shitloads of great pictures.
-The German girl was insane. First, on day 2, she took off her top and tried to flag down an 18-wheeler.
Day 6 she was skinny dipping in the underground lake.
By day 8 she stripped down completely naked at a truck stop because it had a gag sign that said Nudist Crossing and she wanted her picture taken in front of it.
-I mooned truckers twice. The first time was from the front seat of the bus and it was just me. I kind of got into it and was dubbed "the ass slapper" for the rest of the trip. Hey, if you're going to do it, have a good time no? The second time Jake told the truckers on the radio that the German was going to flash them as we drove by, but instead all the guys stuck pulled their pants down and slapped their asses as we went by the trucks. They told me they were just following my example. The truckers were not amused.
-We met an old English ex-biker who's crossing the Nullarbor on a horse and cart with his dog. He fancies himself a "bush poet" and recited some of his poetry for us. It was filthy. I bought one.
-One of the English girls, Sarah, all she did was eat.
She always shoved her way to the front of the food line and didn't lift a hand to help with anything. I dubbed her Ms. Pac Man. Waka waka!
-Bush camping is a really interesting experience. The sunrises are unreal because there's nothing but landscape around you. The worst part is having to take a crap in a dug up hole. Jake insisted that we do everything in the hole because it's less disruptive to the environment. The hole took on a life of its own. After a while, we had some pretty good running jokes about what you're supposed to do in the hole.
-I made really good friends with an English dude named Zack and an Irish couple Ronan and Roisin. We're all staying together at a hostel in Perth. We drank many cases of Tooheys on the trip and probably know more about each other than we should. Zack and Ronan call me The Beast, which is better than ass slapper. Anyway, I've got a place to stay in Leicester, Dublin, and Galway if I need it. Sweet as.
-Zack is a machine. We went up this mountain that was supposed to be a three hour return climb. The rest of us stopped about halfway and then headed back down because we only had an hour and a half to do it. Zack came back fifteen minutes late. He had made it all the way up the mountain and back, met some girls from a tour group, and arranged for us to meet them at a bar in Perth on Saturday night.
-I have a newfound appreciation for the mighty wombat.
I'm sure there's loads of stuff that I'm forgetting but this message is already long enough. I have some unbelievable pictures from this trip which I will definitely post when I get back. Hope everyone's doing well. I'll be in Perth a few more days so I'll try to respond to your messages if I haven't yet.
As always, the dude abides.
Dave
Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. My buddy Zack told it to me. That's the kind of shit you get into when you spend 9 days with someone camping across Southern Australia. But more on that later.
Pictures here:
https://photos.app.goo.gl/whnFxFLqRzz239zHA
Last time I wrote I was heading for Alice Springs, smack in the middle of Australia. As the plane descended into "The Alice" the first thing that came to my mind was Needles, California. The only reason I even know about Needles is because it's in the middle of freakin' nowhere. That pretty much sums up Alice Springs as well. It's like being in the middle of Death Valley, except everything is red. I was only there one day before my Uluru tour, so besides enjoying the 100+ degree desert heat I didn't do much. The next day I headed out at 5 AM for a 3-day trip around the red center's most famous natural landmarks: Uluru (Ayers Rock), Kata Tjuta (The Olgas), and Kings Canyon. I have never seen as many sunrises cumulatively in my lifetime as I have the last three weeks. These camping tour guides are like freakin drill sergeants. Our guide was a French expat named David. Most of the three days was spent driving because everything was so damned far away. There were about 20 people on this trip and it's the most Americans I've seen thus far: 6 exchange students on holiday from the University of Queensland. Anyway, probably most of you have seen Uluru from postcards or pictures or whatever, but it's an impressive sight to behold in person. I have to admit that the first thing I thought of when I saw it was that it looked like a giant nipple. I guess if the whole of Australia was a big breast, Uluru could be the nipple. It's right there in the middle, it's round, flat, and reddish brown. Come on, admit it. I could work for the Australian tourism bureau. Anyway, I didn't climb to the top because The Rock is sacred to the three local Aboriginal tribes and they ask that you don't climb it. Since it's controlled by the Australian government, however, you are still allowed to climb.
Three people from the group went ahead and climbed it anyway and the rest of us went on a base walk with David. He's really in with the local Aboriginals so he showed us some of the drawings in the rock, what they meant, and taught us some words in the local dialect. At night we camped out in swags, which are these kind of tent/mattress hybrids made for one person. Like I said earlier, up at 5 the next morning to catch the sunrise at Kata Tjuta. It's a good call for a few reasons: sunrises on these monoliths are spectacular, you beat the crowds from the countless other tours, and you don't get beaten down by the ridiculous desert heat. At sunrise, the rock looks so RED. I had to go up and touch it to make sure it didn't rub off. It's because the rocks have a high ferrous content that makes them more red than normal rock. The number one thing I'll remember from the red center, though, is how beautiful the sky was. You really never hear about that, but it's awesome. It's the biggest sky I've ever seen as you can see the horizon in all directions, and it's a beautiful blue with fluffy flat-bottomed clouds stretching as far as the eye can see. Stunning. The number two thing I'll remember about the red center are all the damned flies. It was unbelievable. Once the sun came up, they swarmed all over you. There was no defense for it. And they were ballsy flies too, not the type that'll go away after just a wave of the hand. I have a picture of my back just covered with the freakin things.
I stayed a couple of days in Alice Springs before taking the Ghan train ride down to Adelaide. If you ever go to Australia, make sure you minimize your time in Alice Springs. There is nothing to do there. The only entertainment I got was from listening to the stories of my roommates in what was possibly the shittiest hostel in Australia. My roommates were a Scottish guy, a Dutch guy, and two Irish girls who were traveling together but had run out of money in Alice Springs. They were working odd jobs to save up to get out of there. The Scottish guy was complaining to me that they were having trouble saving money and it was taking them a long time. Well, maybe if you didn't go through two cases of beer and 5 packs of cigarettes a day you might be able to save a little more you dumbshit. They also decided that the room's kitchen was their personal area so there was some rice and pasta of indeterminate age in the sink that didn't get cleaned the whole time I was there.
I was glad to get moving to Adelaide. The train ride was uneventful. I helped an old lady with her crossword puzzles. That was the highlight. Adelaide was a cool city though. It has a compact city center that is easy to walk around. The hostel I stayed at was run by these two old dudes who served free ice cream and apple pie every evening at 8. There'd be a scrum every night when the apple pie was served... it was like a bunch of little kids. Good pie though. I did a day tour of the Barrossa Valley which is one of the best wine producing regions of Australia. The trip was cool, although as you'd expect there were a couple of poseurs on there who thought they knew everything about wine. They were the ones who ended up passed out on the bus at the end of the day. Our guide Matt has a master's in viticulture and his family owns a vineyard in the valley. It was a really good value as we ended up tasting about 25 different wines. Plus, there was barbecued kangaroo for lunch.
Mmmm.
I don't know where to begin to describe my 9-day camping trip from Adelaide to Perth across the Nullarbor plain, so maybe I'll use bullet points or something.
-There were ten people on the tour: 4 English, 2 Irish, 1 German, 1 Japanese, 1 Swiss, and me.
-Our guide, Jake, looked a lot like Kit. He was tall, gangly, and loped instead of walking. He loves the outdoors, though, and he's a vegan, so maybe he's more like a bizarro version of Kit.
-We travelled a total of 4040 Kilometers, so there was a lot of bus time.
-The natural sights were something incredible to behold. The Great Australian Bight looked like it was a painting. We went swimming in a lake that was in a cave below the Nullarbor plain. We stayed a day and a half at LeGrand national park which had some of the most beautiful white sand beaches I've ever seen. The sand contained so much silica that it squeaked when you walked on it. We got to drive through an area where the rangers were doing a controlled burn at night which was wicked cool. I have shitloads of great pictures.
-The German girl was insane. First, on day 2, she took off her top and tried to flag down an 18-wheeler.
Day 6 she was skinny dipping in the underground lake.
By day 8 she stripped down completely naked at a truck stop because it had a gag sign that said Nudist Crossing and she wanted her picture taken in front of it.
-I mooned truckers twice. The first time was from the front seat of the bus and it was just me. I kind of got into it and was dubbed "the ass slapper" for the rest of the trip. Hey, if you're going to do it, have a good time no? The second time Jake told the truckers on the radio that the German was going to flash them as we drove by, but instead all the guys stuck pulled their pants down and slapped their asses as we went by the trucks. They told me they were just following my example. The truckers were not amused.
-We met an old English ex-biker who's crossing the Nullarbor on a horse and cart with his dog. He fancies himself a "bush poet" and recited some of his poetry for us. It was filthy. I bought one.
-One of the English girls, Sarah, all she did was eat.
She always shoved her way to the front of the food line and didn't lift a hand to help with anything. I dubbed her Ms. Pac Man. Waka waka!
-Bush camping is a really interesting experience. The sunrises are unreal because there's nothing but landscape around you. The worst part is having to take a crap in a dug up hole. Jake insisted that we do everything in the hole because it's less disruptive to the environment. The hole took on a life of its own. After a while, we had some pretty good running jokes about what you're supposed to do in the hole.
-I made really good friends with an English dude named Zack and an Irish couple Ronan and Roisin. We're all staying together at a hostel in Perth. We drank many cases of Tooheys on the trip and probably know more about each other than we should. Zack and Ronan call me The Beast, which is better than ass slapper. Anyway, I've got a place to stay in Leicester, Dublin, and Galway if I need it. Sweet as.
-Zack is a machine. We went up this mountain that was supposed to be a three hour return climb. The rest of us stopped about halfway and then headed back down because we only had an hour and a half to do it. Zack came back fifteen minutes late. He had made it all the way up the mountain and back, met some girls from a tour group, and arranged for us to meet them at a bar in Perth on Saturday night.
-I have a newfound appreciation for the mighty wombat.
I'm sure there's loads of stuff that I'm forgetting but this message is already long enough. I have some unbelievable pictures from this trip which I will definitely post when I get back. Hope everyone's doing well. I'll be in Perth a few more days so I'll try to respond to your messages if I haven't yet.
As always, the dude abides.
Dave
